Bethany Hagen's Blog

…why it is next to impossible for me to get anything done when my kids are awake, I’ll share a little scene from tonight.  So I had eaten some bad Chinese food, which is something I do periodically to myself out of self-loathing, and was predictably sick afterwards.  Luckily, the baby was in her crib asleep, but my toddler son was wide awake.  I turned on Nick Jr. to distract him, and shivered my way through some stomach cramps on the floor.

So, once a month, there’s this time when I take lots of ibuprofen and tylenol, and I’ve told my son that it was for my tummy.  He got really jealous about my tummy medicine and started BEGGING for “tummy medicine” night and day.  Finally, out of sheer desperation, I gave him some fish oil and told him it was tummy medicine.  He stopped complaining and now he asks for an extra dose of DHA a few times a week.  Win/win?

Except, tonight when I was curled in a ball, sweating and retching into a bowl, he took it upon himself to give me “tummy medicine.”  He even broke open the capsule so that all the dead fish goodness could ooze into my mouth that much faster.  Since I was sick, fish oil sounded like the last thing in the world I wanted to taste, but my son stood in front of me AND WATCHED ME SWALLOW IT like I was Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted.  I choked it down, because he was being so sweet and concerned, and then was sick again.

Then–and I am not joking–he raised up my head and said completely seriously, “Mommy, I want you to run in circles.”  And I answered, also completely seriously, “No.”  Then he started yelling, “PLEASE RUN IN CIRCLES PLEASE RUN IN CIRCLES PLEASE RUN IN CIRCLES,” and I was terrified that he was going to wake the baby and then I’d have two crazy kids to deal with while I was vomiting while my husband was working the evening shift.  So I ran in circles with the bowl in front of me.

Then he starts whipping at my ankles with a pajama shirt, roaring, “Faster! Faster!” like we’re in the Bataan death march, and trying to jump on my back like he’s Bella Swan from Twilight and I’m Edward, about to run through the trees.  I did this until my husband got home and I could go die in the bathroom in peace.

My life as a mom is so busy and so staggeringly insane that it’s a miracle I get even manage to get dressed or take out the trash or remember to say “hello” to my husband every day.  Although things would probably be easier if I laid off the Chinese food.